Living with a "Keeper" part 2

 

I decided I needed to share why I posted my previous entry today.  I've been sinking into a negative rut lately.  With 2 higher-need nurslings (2 mo and 2 yo) I'm not getting as much of my own work done.  So, I'm frustrated with the state of my home right now.  And when I let my own work fall behind, I find it harder to overlook areas that are my husband's domain. 

I was becoming negative about the clutter, about my husband, and about my home.  I was not being thankful.  Nothing had really changed, except my own attitude.  I was getting tempted to stomp around, dropping hints about the mess.  I was tempted to start sneaking things into the trash again.  I was letting my pride keep us from entertaining others.  And I was feeding my own discontentment by allowing myself to procrastinate too much when I did have free moments.  There's a fine line between taking care of yourself (not pushing too much) and indulging yourself too much.  I think I crossed into over-indulgence in the past month.  I was wallowing.

One of my goals for this summer, is to get the children and I back into a good pattern of home-making.  They and I need to practice diligence again and not procrastinating.  We need to rediscover the joy of keeping the house neat.  And I need to train them all to take on new chores and pass down old chores, so we can all share the load better.

When I take care of my part of the house and mess better, I have more patience with the stuff my husband keeps, and with the fullness of our small house.

Now, that I've really confessed, I need to finish cleaning house for tomorrow's birthday party for C's 7th birthday.

Living with a "Keeper"

My husband is a "Keeper".  He likes to keep stuff.  That is the most basic and kind way I can put it.  I do not want to use terms like pack-rat, clutterbug, etc. because I do not want this post to be negative. 

But I do want to share about how a wife can honor her husband and his desires, while still trying to keep a clean home.  It is a fine line.  So many blogs and books written to Christian women will encourage decluttering the home and organizing the home.  But if you are married to a "Keeper" this can cause stress in your marriage. 

Early in my marriage, I did not respect my "Keeper's" desires. I did not respect his belongings and his piles.  I did not respect his feelings on the subject.  I threw away his things.  I rearranged his piles. I argued with him and put him down for not letting me clean things up.  I cried and manipulated him by telling him how I felt about his piles.  I put what I  thought others were thinking of me and our home above my husband's feelings.  Because of my wrong-handling of these issues, my husband lost trust in me.  He does not trust me to handle his things respectfully anymore.

This is a sad fact that I now have to live with.  I refuse to further damage that trust.  I will not take any advice that has me secretly throwing things away.  I will not listen to any advice that has me giving my husband "deadlines" and "ultimatums" for cleaning up his own things.  I am not his mother.  I am not his boss.  This house is his home, his refuge, his castle.  It can not be a refuge to him if everytime he is here, he has to listen to me nagging about things.

So, what do I do?  I try to keep the things confined to certain areas.  I give him organizational tools for organizing his stuff.  I keep the areas of the home that I can control clean, to the best of my ability.  I practice patience when things don't get taken care of on my timeline.  I practice selflessness as I learn to overlook piles. I learn humility as I push my pridefulness aside.   I will not let a pile of mail or newspapers become a mountain in our marriage. I will not let my reaction to them cause a wall in our relationship.  I focus on my husband's good qualities and practice thankfulness for all he does for me and our family.

People before things.  I have to remind myself of that all the time.  My husband's feelings and desires are more important than having an ideally beautiful and organized home.  My children's feelings are more important than whatever item was damaged.  Spending time with my family is more important than having that magazine-beautiful home.  My relationship with my husband is more important than being clutter-free.

I have lost that perspective in the past.  I've jumped on the decluttering bandwagon (which is not a bad thing in itself) and tried to drum it into my husband's head.  I tried to change him to fit my desires.  I even tried to explain to him why he was the way he was, and why that needed to change.

I still struggle with this at times.  When I read of others who are successfully decluttering their homes, I am sometimes jealous.  I find myself losing my focus and becoming negative about my "Keeper".  I forget that my "Keeper" is a "keeper" in more than one way.  He has many good qualities that far outweigh this issue.  And it's wrong of me to focus on this one issue, and forget to be thankful for his many other wonderful qualities.

And when I am in a negative rut, I just think back to the times my Dad rebuilt a car engine in the master bedroom, or an entire motorcycle in the living room.  I may have mail piles and newspaper piles in my kitchen and living room.  I may have an air compressor in my dining room, sitting by the back door.  I may have extra printers and computer parts stored in the bedrooms.  But, at least I don't have a greasy engine or motorcycle in my house. 

It also helps to think of all the faults my husband overlooks in me.  Does he say anything when I take a day off to read a book?  Does he say anything when I let the clean laundry pile up for 2 days before I fold it?  Does he lecture me when the dishwasher needs emptied so the dirty dishes piled up in the sink can be placed in it?  No, he might even jump in and load the dishwasher for me.  He's definitely a "keeper", for all he puts up with in me!!

Perhaps I am speaking only to myself.  But, hopefully this will be helpful to someone else out there that is married to a "Keeper".   It isn't wrong to strive for a clean and organized home, but don't let it come between your "Keeper" husband and yourself.   Love your "Keeper", be kind to him, and be submissive to him.  Work *with* him, not against him.  Remember all the good things that make him a "keeper", not just the negative sides of him being a "Keeper."

"Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God."   Titus 2:3-5

The little things ...

 

Every now and then I realize I've failed to teach my children one of "the little things".  As a homeschool Mom, I'm fairly well focused on "the big things".  But "the little things" just keep sneaking up on me.

Recently, I realized I'd failed to teach one of "the little things" to my oldest daughter, nearly 11.  I thought we'd covered it a couple years before, but apparently it was a lesson my 2nd daughter (then 7) learned and the oldest daughter ignored.

How to eat sunflower seeds.  My daughter, A, came home from a friend's house and was telling me she'd been given barbecued sunflower seeds.  (Later she realized they were just salted, but not barbecued.)  She was telling me that her friend told her she wasn't supposed to eat them, just suck on them. 

This confused me, as I'd never heard of barbecued sunflower seeds you suck on, but don't eat.  As she talked about having to spit out the chewed up shell because she couldn't swallow them, I realized what had happened. 

Her friend gave her sunflower seeds, still in the shell.  She chewed them up and then her friend realized she was eating the shells.  So her friend told her not to eat the shells, just to suck on them.  So A proceeded to suck on and spit out the entire seed, shell and all.

At this point, I had to giggle as I imagined A thinking what a weird snack this was ... and her friend wondering why A wasn't eating the sunflower seeds.  Both feeling awkward and trying to ignore the other person's peculiarities.  Both too polite to say anything about it.  Both continuing on, as they were ... without A realizing she was still doing it wrong.

Thankfully, I had a package of shelled seeds in the  cupboard.  So,  I explained to A, and then showed her, how to use her teeth to open the sunflower seed (after sucking on it).  Then how to spit out the shell and eat the seed.  Aha!! 

Now, I thought she had caught this lesson when I taught it to her younger sister 2 summers ago when we visited their Aunt and Uncle in Texas.  But apparently she was in her own little world and not noticing the conversation around her.  So, now I've had two daughters try to eat the sunflower seeds, shell and all.  And I've had to teach the lesson twice. 

This time, though, I made sure that the younger two learned the lesson at home.  Now, the oldest four all know how to eat sunflower seeds.  Hopefully, we won't forget to teach this "little thing" to the youngest two when they're old enough.

I wonder what other "little things" I'm forgetting to teach them.