I'm not big on New Year Resolutions. I'm just not. Pessimism? Realism? I don't know, but I've never been one to make many resolutions, and even less so in recent years.
Setting goals is somewhat different, and yet I also have to admit I haven't sat down and written any goals out, either.
I suppose I should. What is it they say about the person who doesn't have any goals doesn't get anywhere ... something much wittier than that, though.
There are the vague "do better goals" ... I just want to be more faithful. I want to be more faithful in my daily time with God. I want to be more faithful at keeping up with housework and school planning. I want to be more faithful at communicating with my children beyond the "mom stuff". I want to be more faithful about harvesting our garden and using the produce this year.
But in reality, I'm just too much in survival mode to make many goals, I think. Every week is a hectic montage of disasters, needs, should-dos, activities, and must-dos that are flying at me from every direction. This past year has felt so often as if I'm just running in circles, putting out fires, wiping up spills, and trying to meet everyone's needs and expectations of me. That probably means I should resolve to set more boundaries, cut down on the things that are cluttering our time. But I'm not sure I can.
I can't cut out my husband and certainly would never want to. He has expectations of me, tasks he needs me to do, goals for our family that I need to help attain. There are the daily chit chat calls as he makes the long drive to and from work. But I regret that we didn't have a single date in 2009, and our evenings spent enjoying each other's company or having a "date night at home" were limited. We've snatched moments here and there to just laugh and enjoy being best friends, but often our communication time is taken up with ironing out the details of daily life.
The children are here to stay. I love them, don't regret them, and want to be home with them. Every day is filled with children needing to know they are loved and valued. There are hurts to be comforted, too many fights to settle, hurtful words to be stopped, and harmful thought processes to overturn. There are educations to plan, teach, and stay ahead of the kids. Spiritual lessons to be taught, truths to be implanted, and guidance to be given. Little ones hanging on me, chores piling up waiting for me, and older kids needing to talk. I wish I'd taken more time to talk with them in 2009. We talk all day, but do we have heart-to-heart communication?
Then there are the outside activities and duties that just fill up our calendars and steal our time with each other. They are good, but are they what is best for us? That is what I often wonder when a busy week ends and the house is a mess, school isn't planned for the next week, kids are cranky and fighting, and we haven't had time to sit and just enjoy being a family. Often this leaves me uptight, knowing that we are heading into a new week already behind in our work.
I admit it ... I am feeling stretched out, touched out, and often overwhelmed. I know I'm not alone in this ... other wives and mothers feel the same way. We keep going because we have to, don't we?
I'm not depressed. I'm not feeling neglected or as if life is unfair. I'm just feeling too busy, ever behind, and tired of spinning plates. It's a new year, yet I still feel behind from the past year.
My goal for 2010 is just to find refreshment, I guess. I want 2010 to be more relaxed, more peaceful, more joyful in our home, our family, and our homeschool. That's a vision for 2010 ... but I need goals to achieve that. And my husband needs to help me set those goals for our family. I've learned enough to know that we need to set our goals together if we hope to achieve them.
Trusting In Him,