I think I need to start wearing black velvet. Maybe a nice long cape. Why, you ask?
Because the dreaded "postpartum shed" has begun and I'm losing long brown hairs everywhere I go. By the handful in the shower, in a flurry when I brush, and sprinkling around me wherever I go. Even if I braid it, I manage to drop them around me.
And why is it that this occurrence coincides with the time when our babies start having more floor time? Somehow babies with handfuls (and mouthfuls) of Mama's long hair just isn't what I think of as "maternal bonding".
It has to be Eve's fault. I'm sure this wasn't part of God's Design for us in Paradise. I think in the Garden of Eden we all would have kept our luxurious hair instead of losing it postpartum.
My daughters (who are also culprits for enriching the carpet fibers with their own long hairs) think it's a plot against them ... the vacuumers. Combine Mom's shedding with a baby rolling around on the floor and suddenly Mom and Dad begin to enforce the vacuum schedule. We're usually rather lax about the "schedule".
So, I thought the solution might be me wearing black velvet ... the ultimate hair magnet. I could wear a velvet catwoman jumpsuit, and then a cape, too. Surely that would catch all the hairs. Then I could drape black velvet over my two favorite chairs and use a lint roller every night to de-hair them. Well, every couple days, when I get around to it.
Somehow, though, I'm sure me in a black velvet jumpsuit and cape would draw the wrong kind of attention. I wonder if they make nursing-friendly catwoman suits? And how much time would this add to my bathroom trips? Because I'm lucky to get a minute uninterrupted in the bathroom, you know. I also might pass out from heat stroke. The midwest in July is just not suitable for black velvet.
Hmm. Perhaps I should re-think my black velvet plan. Although maybe I could start a new career as an Elvis impersonator during my "black velvet phase".
I wonder if they sell personal vacuums that you wear around your waist. Then as your hairs fall out, they'd be sucked right into the vacuum on your back. And the white noise it makes would just lull the baby to sleep whenever I held her. Of course, sitting down wouldn't be very comfortable with a vacuum on my back.
Hmm. Think, think, think ... as my friend Pooh says. I'm sure I can come up with some solution other than daily vacuuming. The girls would love me if I did.
