Life is very hectic in my home. It feels as if there is never enough time to accomplish all that needs to be done, teach all that needs to be taught, and listen to everyone that needs to talk. I often feel as if I'm letting others down. My husband comes home to a tired, sometimes cranky wife, and unfolded laundry stacked in baskets. My teens get tired of trying to talk over the noise of their siblings, or follow me around when I'm on the move. My middle kids give up on waiting for me to come explain their math problem and just move on in their lesson. My little ones miss out on all the stories I used to read to their older siblings. My toddlers wish I would sit and hold them more, and do less. And my olders feel like ALL I do is sit and hold the babies.
My husband asks if I did something he requested, and I tell him ... again ... that I forgot. A child asks when I'm going to mend their favorite shirt. The blog sits neglected, the calendar fills up with appointments and meetings. The meetings where I may be late, or may not have time to prepare as well as I would like ... or the events where I'm supposed to bring a snack, and fail to find time to bake something home-made.
It's hard for ME to see my successes when I so strongly remember the sighs, the disappointment, and the frustration of those around me. I see where I am failing others, rather than what I am accomplishing. It's easy to let that drag me into a pity party, or an ongoing case of the blues. I tell myself I am my own worst critic, but I still feel as if I'm letting others down.
So I push myself harder, try to keep up with my chores better, not allow myself time to relax or read or watch a movie. But that can only last so long before I run out of steam and the chores pile up again. I realize this is simply a fact of life, but it is easy to forget that. It is easy to feel alone in my "supposed failures". Today, a friend posted about the very same feeling ... of not being able to give anyone her best. Or at least feeling as if she isn't.
Her post encouraged me. Because it means I am not alone. Because she has so much more going on than I do, so I shouldn't be complaining as much. Because she keeps trying every day, and so can I. Because we both know that we wouldn't change a thing. We are both thankful for our large family, for homeschooling, for marriage ... even when it stretches us. I'll let her keep her goat dairy, though. I think that's too much for me.
April E.
